A Letter to Expectation

Hey expectation! I know you want me to be perfect and do everything right. I know you want me to get up in the morning, and look at the day with confidence, and a smile on my face, always ready to take on the days challenges. I know you want me to do every assignment with exactness, and to do everything on my to do list. I know you want me to look flawless in every way. I know you want me to be sweet and loving all the time.You want me to accomplish every goal, and find every wish.
But hey expectation... You're going to have to suck it up, because I'm not that way. Maybe those things can be my ideal or be some things to shoot for, but my no means, are they everyday, going to be my reality.

The truth is, I'm weak. I'm imperfect. I mess up, I stress out, and I get sad sometimes. I lose my temper, I yell and get annoyed. I forget about assignments, I forget to do my laundry. I'm not a magazine model. I don't always like how clothes look on me, I get zits and bad hair days. I embarrass myself. I say dumb things-all the time. 

 So hey expectation... By all means, you can be there to motivate me. You can be there to cheer me on to do my best... But if you start making me feel like I'm never enough, or that I am hopeless, or that I don't matter... You can pack your bags and leave. 

Sure, I'll try to  do my best, I'll try to be helpful and love and be kind, but every time you raise the bar too high,  I'm going to fall. I'm not going to make it all the time because I'm human. 

 I'm not going to always accomplish everything on my to do list. I'm not always going to say exactly the right thing. I'm not going to take every step with a pure confidence. I'm not always going to get every answer right. I'll stumble, I'll trip, I'll fall flat on my face, but that's ok. That's ok because I can get back up again. After seeing what it's like to fail, it makes getting back up again that much better.

So, expectation. I'm glad you're there to keep me trying. But I'm not going to let you make me stop trying. 

Dangerous Mirror

The mirror was distorted.

It warped the real view.

It made her wide, feel gross inside.

And everything untrue.

Every day she looked at it

And saw inside the mirror

One big mistake, something fake. 

Reflecting back her tears. 

Everytime she saw herself 

Inside the dangerous mirror

She saw only the evil things

That intensified her fear.

Stupid, ugly, sad, unloved.

The mirror seemed to scream.

Hopeless, worthless, always less.

Nightmares haunted dreams.

The mirror distorted her whole being.

But she kept looking on.

Wondering what else to do

To stop being so wrong.

One day she decided that, 

Instead of looking out, 

She wanted to look inside and

Take a braver route.

So instead of looking at the mirror.

She looked inside her heart 

And saw a girl trying so hard

To be good, be apart.

A girl who wanted laughter, love,

To just do what was right.

A girl who failed, but who still sailed

The seas of searching light.

What if I said that the old mirror

That distortes the view

Was placed inside your very eyes

And warped your sight of you.

Putting aside that horrid thing, 

And looking with cleared eyes

Might help you see, how beautifully

You're doing with your lives.

FEAR

Fear. I hate that word. It cripples the bravest of men. It holds back the most determined of souls. It blinds us even to beyond rational thinking. It's shadow haunts us every day of our lives. Fear of messing up. Fear of what others might think. Fear of what we can't see. Fear of not living up to expectation. Fear of losing what we love. Fear of not being loved. This kind of fear, is the kind that makes you doubt, makes you stressed, makes you angry at life for not going as you planned.

One of my biggest fears, is myself. I'm afraid that I won't make a difference in the world. Afraid of the difference in the world I might make. Afraid that what I say or do, afraid that I won't become who I was made to become. 

This shadow, this blinding force, that keeps us from doing so much is like a trap, like a chain. Where's the escape? Where's is the light that penetrates this darkness? Is it faith? Is it love? Is it trust? Is it God?

Yes. I believe it to be all of those things, and yet trusting can be so scary. Have you ever been with your friends and done a "Trust fall"? Where you're friends stand behind you while you cross you arms and just fall backwards as you hope with all your might that they'll catch you? If trusting, and having faith in God is so scary, how does that overcome fear? Well, what about the thrill of a roller coaster after you've gone on your first one and you realize it's actually fun? What about the satisfaction of the cool water on your skin and the feeling of triumph after you decide to jump off that diving board? What about that assuring feeling you get when you decide to defend what you feel to be right? What about that peace you get when you decide to correct what you have done wrong? What about that warmness inside that you get when you decide to speak up? And it's not just the feelings that make it worth it. What about the smile that lights up her face as you compliment her, even though you were afraid of what she might think? What about that satisfaction in your parents eyes as you've accomplished a task, even though it was daunting? What about that excited look your little brother gets when you decide to play with him even if you're afraid you won't have time for other things? What about that penetrating, sinking, comforting, overwhelming love you feel from God when you've asked forgiveness for your sins? 

That fear is just the first step to becoming great. The heroes of history didn't find success by having easy fear-free lives. They found it by overcoming fears and just trying to be better. Many real adventures include fear. 

Fear is apart of mortality, but we can not only dispel, but destroy it when it comes, through faith, through love. And when a different fear arrives, we can wholeheartedly do it again.

I want to choose to trust in God. And not just because it feels good after you've done it, but because it's the right thing to do. I believe He sees a picture bigger and more beautiful than I can comprehend. He knows. He knows what it's like to be afraid, and He wants to help us overcome it. I'm defiantly not perfect at overcoming my fears. In fact, I'm one of the most fearful people I know But we've got to trust. How? By doing what we feel He'd have us do. So, fear is an opportunity. An opportunity to really strengthen your faith. A door to courage. 

  Fear. Well, I sort of like that word :)

Is it Possible to be too Authentic?

To be truly authentic is something that I've felt I've always wanted.

I want to be real. I want to be truthful, and not fake and easily swayed. I want others to feel safe around me, like they can trust me not to act different around them. Sometimes people change their opinions depending on what seems more socially appealing. I see people that seem to change all the time. One minute they're good and sweet around one group and then another minute later they seem to swiftly trade their dignity for something that looks more enjoyable as they totally change for another group. Like a shapeshifter, changing their ways to whatever they deem fits the occasion. I want to be solid in what I believe, and not swayed because I am afraid. But I am afraid. Afraid that I'll become a shapeshifter. Afraid that I am one. I don't want to alow myself to so easily be blown away by some fear of external judgement. I want to be free to be myself no mater what.

But sometimes the problem is that being myself feels like it means being stubborn, being clumsy, being embarrassing, being blunt, being unsure, and being afraid. I sometimes feel like if I were totally authenic and spoke what I really thought, then I could hurt some people's feelings.

People say that you see yourself differently then how others see you. But then a question arises. Who am I really? Am I always going to see a tinted, unreal version of myself? If so, how am I supposed to know how to really be myself? 

I don't know the answers fully to all of these questions, but I do know that when I'm doing what I love, and doing what helps me feel love, that is when I feel the most like me. Wether it's just sitting and laughing with friends, serving someone in need, watching Pirates of the Caribbean with my family, going to the Temple, sledding down a hill, eating a snickerdoodle cookie, or taking selfies with my baby sister. 

Those times, when I'm doing something that includes love, joy and peace, when I'm feeling the spirit, that's when I feel the most like me.

So maybe that's how we can be authentic, without being too blunt and hurting feelings. Love. Love of the good. Not the media definition of love, which is love for attention and selfish purposes... But the opposite. Love for others. Seeing the best in others and yourself, and being forgiving when mistakes happen. It's the love of all things right and true. The love that emerges when your serve and stick with your faith. We may call it different things, but I choose to call it charity; the love of God. That's authenticity to me.